A mother's deep reflection: how easy is it to raise or abolish a child?

to tell you the truth, I didn't have any miracle of parenting after I became a mother.

my six-year-old son did not grow into an optimistic and brave little boy as I expected.

what is more abominable is that in the process of parenting, he is like my experiment. I always have hindsight and have problems before I can draw lessons.

along the way, I have been at war with "how to raise my son". There are occasional surprises, most of which are tied, and there is also the regret that I was so ashamed of my failure.

I often reflect that if I could raise my son again, I would never make the same mistake again.

01

No more dogmatic parenting

I am ashamed to say that I was so dogmatic that I starved my newborn son to the intensive care unit.

at that time, I read a book on breastfeeding. The idea is that mothers can give birth to enough breast milk for their children, and the hungrier they are, the more they can suck and help their mothers give birth to more breast milk.

I made up my mind to breast-feed the baby.

however, my health is poor, I can't eat or sleep, there is not enough milk, and the child is crying with hunger.

the nurse reminded: "you have no milk, the baby is not full, hurry up and feed the milk powder."

I ignored it.

my mother jumped to her feet angrily: "after reading so many books for nothing, the more I read, the more pedantic."

ever since the baby was born, I have been really dogmatic.

the book says that I will not exceed the standard of 0.001 when the child is fed 5ml on the first day of life. According to the book, I will strictly count to 2 times at least 1-2 times a day in the first 2 days after birth.

in short, I meticulously compared the contents of the book to a higher plane of principle.

as a result, I was slapped in the face by reality.

the baby was born five days ago. Because of severe jaundice, he was admitted to the intensive care unit for "hemolysis". After more than a week of trouble, the examination results made me feel very guilty-"insufficient intake."

to put it bluntly, I am hungry.

until now, my son is also lighter than his peers, which is a hidden pain that I can't forgive myself.

it is not bad to take care of children's books and upbringing, but it must be considered in the light of the specific conditions of the children.

at that time, I wish I could have a "Parenting Book". No matter what problems I encountered, I could find the corresponding one, two, three suggestions in the book, and just follow suit like a robot.

that's what the book says.

sometimes different experts have different views on the same issue, which is even more difficult and contradictory.

at that time, I felt that I loved my children too much. I was afraid that I would not be able to raise them well without experience, so it must be right to follow the book.

but in fact, the child is not an assembly line product, and no matter how powerful the theory in the book is, it can only solve common problems and cannot deal with children's personality problems.

now think about it: of course you should read

books, but you must read classic parenting books and, more importantly, think and be flexible.

after all, the best parenting books are not as good as mothers' understanding and love of their children.

02

I am no longer addicted to stick education

I have also fallen into the pit of "stick education".

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I remember that my 3-year-old son was trained to go to the toilet on his own. no matter how much he taught him, he always wet the bed and made the sofa, and the whole family collapsed several times.

later, I learned from my friend that her two-year-old son was so good that he easily went to the toilet without warning.

she told me, "you have to fight!" The harder he hit, the better he remembered, and my family pissed my pants once and got it done. "

after being stimulated by the "success" case, I came home and beat up my son who peed his pants.

the child cried with fear: "Mom, don't fight, I will never dare again."

after that, the child called me as soon as he had to go to the bathroom, and he really stopped peeing his pants.

after tasting the immediate benefits of stick education, I frequently use stick education, do not eat, fight; disobedient, fight.

I firmly believe that at least one of the parents must act as a bad cop to frighten their children, otherwise it will be more difficult to manage as they get older, especially boys.

but before I could be complacent, the counterattack of stick education came.

my son only allowed me to take him to the bathroom. I helped him take off his pants. No matter he was a father or a teacher, he must struggle and cry and refuse until he peed his pants.

of course I was angry. I beat and scolded even more. I wanted my children to learn a lesson.

as a result, the more you hit the child, the more scared you are, and the more frequently you wet your pants.

later, I observed that he actually had the ability to go to the toilet on his own. on one occasion, he had run to the toilet, paused again, and began to cry for his mother. I would never go to the toilet until I came.

at that time, I realized that the child was not unable, but was afraid that the mother would be angry and scolded.

with heartache and remorse, I lost the stick and waited for the child to go to the toilet on his own. as a result, the child mastered the skill in just a few weeks.

but during this period, the child was so frightened that the missing sense of security could not be made up for.

stick education is the most simple and rough, and it seems to have a good effect, but it is actually the fear and compromise of children under intimidation, but some children have obvious injuries, while others have hidden internal injuries, and the longer the time goes on, the greater the harm.

under stick education, children will not love their parents, but they will love themselves less and less.

03

I no longer blindly force him to be independent

I always think that a boy should be independent and brave, but my son is coy and always humming to his mother.

when he was more than three years old, his toy was robbed by his companion, and he came crying to me for help. I was angry with him for being timid and angrily accused him: "how many times has my mother said that she will go and get it back by herself, and she won't help you!"

he hugged my thigh and cried, and I pushed him out again and again, severely criticizing: "go alone."

he cried for a long time and the toy was taken away. I never helped him.

now when you think about it, it's really cruel.

I thought I was helping him, but in fact, because of my persecution, he was more afraid of independence. During that time, our parent-child relationship was very bad. He became more and more timid and cried easily.

one of the things that touched me most was that I once accompanied him in an independence class. When I left for a while, he said to his classmates, "Don't leave me, stay here to protect me, okay? my mother went to the bathroom. I'm afraid I'll cry."

hearing that sentence, it really broke my heart.

it turns out that I have done so much harm to him in the name of good for him.

I decided to give up forcing him to be independent and accept the timid him.

whatever he wants to play, I will play with him; if he wants me to grab the toy, I will grab it; when he is crying, I will control my temper and hug him.

now, he has finally become an independent and lively little boy.

I finally understand that to want a child to be independent is not to push him out and force him to be independent, but to hold him in his arms and give him enough attention and response.

when he matures, he will naturally grow hard armor.

04

Don't label him any more

not long ago, my son suddenly winked.

at first I thought he was intentional, but later I found that he was out of control.

Baidu search, this is a mental illness, a typical "tic syndrome" symptoms, characterized by involuntary twitching of the eyes and even the face.

I rushed to the hospital, and the doctor advised me to observe first.

the more I observe, the more I find that children have more problems. Not only do their eyes twitch badly, but they also move a lot. When they are awake, they are not quiet for a second. The teacher often criticizes them: "they are not paying attention in class, and they are always chatting with their classmates."

I hurriedly went to the expert clinic, and when the child was making trouble in the waiting room, I even made excuses for the child's abnormally naughty behavior with "the mentality of the diagnosed family" and asked the nurse to forgive me.

until the expert woke me up: "the child's problem is not big, the mother's problem is bigger, you are too anxious."

expert advice: "observe first, parents don't take it seriously, and the child will be fine."

so I tried to let it go and no longer label my child as "twitching" or remind him not to blink.

oddly enough, the child's behavior seems to have changed completely according to the wishes of the parents.

the children no longer "winked". Later, they were praised by the teacher, saying that they had paid a lot of attention and made great progress in class.

this is very touching to me.

American psychologist Becker said:

I remember that I used to label my children: "picky", "disobedient", "timid" and "impolite".

when I think of the "hint" harm that the label effect brings to my child, I am afraid that after a while, I always think that pointing out my child's mistake is to help him better correct it.

but in fact, maybe the child's problems will get worse under my psychological hint.

05

it's never too late to educate children

I have read on the Internet a reason for having a second child:

my first reaction was: me, too. If I do it all over again, I will never educate my child like I did before.

but then think, "I raised my son invalid" is also a kind of labeling.

the best time to plant a tree is ten years ago and one is now.

parenting is also the same. The past will never come back, and now is always the best time to change:

Don't indulge in stick education; don't force him to be independent; don't label him casually; don't stick to parenting books and combine reality.

listen to your child's inner thoughts and wait patiently for your child's own growth rhythm.

teacher Fan Deng said:

teacher Fan Deng said:

I hope my experience and lessons will enable you to avoid the holes that hurt your children and find your own easy parenting method as soon as possible.

encourage!