I need you. Can you stay awake for a while?

there was a time when I was really afraid that people would be nice to me. I always felt like a thief who had taken something I didn't deserve. If someone offered me a drink today, I would always want to return two drinks to him tomorrow. Once someone is nice to me today, I wonder how I can double my kindness to him tomorrow, but very often, I don't really want to be nice to him. I don't really have the money to buy him two more expensive drinks. It's just that I always feel like I owe you. I owe you. I have to pay it off.

all in all, we think that I don't deserve you to be nice to me, and I'm afraid of becoming a trouble.

this is a somewhat morbid idea, how morbid it is. I have been staying since the first year of high school, and this is inevitable in every dormitory. When you want to sleep, someone always talks about turning on the phone and turning on the lights. I have long been used to living in five dormitories. Later, my sister complained to me about this.

I told her, you know, I didn't sleep for a whole week in high school, and then I had a high fever. At that time, I really thought I would die if I didn't sleep, but that night my roommate gathered a group of people to our dorm to play "who is undercover". I am the kind of person who will not express dissatisfaction regardless of the big things, even if it is only a small request, "can you keep your voice down?"

because I am afraid of becoming trouble for others. So my mother happened to call me at that time. I burst into tears as soon as I heard her voice. I haven't cried in front of people since I was ten years old, which was the only time in ten years.

Why would you rather suffer a breakdown than say "can you keep your voice down"? why do you write with headphones on and turn on the music as loud as possible, so that you can't write at all, but you'd rather do this? you don't want to ask the person who plays the show next to you to put on headphones.

Why do you prefer to be bored to death in front of a problem or ask a classmate to teach when you can't keep up with other people's progress when you take an advanced math class or photoshop? just like now that your computer crashes, you can look up a bunch of methods on the Internet to save your incompetence, and you can't turn on the computer as slowly as the people around you. Actually, why on earth?

because you are afraid of "troubling" others, you are afraid of becoming a burden.

when you are sick, you dare not let people buy medicine or take meals, seldom borrow things from people, and feel so low that they dare not ask anyone to complain. That feeling is that even if you are going to faint on the road now, you will go home and faint again, because you do not want to be a "trouble".

when I was a freshman, I could not sleep in the middle of the night and harassed chaos. I said that sometimes I doubt that weak people can get the world by waving their hands, and who envies such a strong person as you. The editor probably forgot that we didn't know each other at that time, and he replied the next day, "it's kind of interesting."

the day before I went back to school, I spent one night, made up my mind, gave up an opportunity I had longed for for many years, and chose a tireless "fulfillment" between my own ideal and the ideal of my family. On the day I took the bus, I gritted my teeth and said to my mother, "it's all right. I can't be a burden to you anymore." I got on the bus with a smile and didn't look back. I sat on the empty bus bound for the railway station. I leaned my head against the window and suddenly became a deflated balloon. The streetscape kept falling back. On the other side of the headphones was Mai Jiayu's "very good." Lin Xi wrote, "the remaining feelings will not burden you. I should praise me for being great."

later, my friends asked why they gave up. It was your ideal. They avoided this question carefully. They called me. They asked me, "are you all right?" they bought the wine and planned to stay drunk with me. However, I smiled and told them "fine" and patted them on the shoulder. "come on, go back to bed early."

keep cheerful, even without everything, have self-cultivation

write off a rotten account.

I turned and walked away, went to the top of the stairs where he could not see it, and sat all night.

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in the past, every time they fell in love, they said they would leave me, I would not ask why, whether I was not good enough, whether I could not go, I would smile and say yes, and then turn around and walk away. It's a good deal to be with me, but it's also boring because I'm so obedient. Tears and showing weakness are a kind of burden to me, how can I become a burden to others.

willing to see everything as normal,

the moon is dark and the wind is high, and lighting a lonely lamp can also be the moon.

the cruelest sentence in "very well" is, "ask me, how am I doing?" So I can pretend to answer you freely and easily. I'm fine.

some time ago, I found that moonlight was obviously alienating me. Obviously, we had a good relationship, but she always talked to another friend who had a relatively ordinary relationship during that time. Last weekend I asked her, "Why?"

"every time I'm talking and you're listening. Every time something happens, you hide. I never know what you are thinking. The more unhappy you are, the more you have to pretend that I am fine. I am normal. The more unhappy you are, you should hide and persuade us to look away. You always think you are great and strong, but you know it is not strong. At best, it is called being strong. Since you can be so strong that you don't need anyone, what are we? I don't think you ever trusted me. "

I never realized that what I thought "no trouble" would become "mistrust" in other people's eyes. I told her all my thoughts about "no trouble" that night, and she replied that I was impressed. She said:

"because it's you, I'm not afraid of trouble."

I once said to my friend, "if you have anything unhappy in the future, please tell me." In fact, I now think that this sentence is not valid, no emotion can be achieved one-way, one-way complaining, one-way listening.

"trouble" is not trouble sometimes. I would like to let you trouble, because trouble is also a manifestation of trust. No one else can, but because it's you, it's okay.

I really want to excuse this charge, but I have to think about it. I don't want to bother others. This kind of person is actually very selfish, because you know that once you ask someone, you will have a sense of debt, and you always have to pay it back. So you don't want to owe others, but you want to be a "good person" who will not refuse in the eyes of others, not because you are really nice, but because you enjoy a sense of payment, because once you give. Then someone owes you.

but when you don't want to bother others, over time, no one wants to bother you.

Jiang Fangzhou once said that my greatest ideal in life at that time was to live without bothering anyone. I told my mother this ideal, and she said, "that's what your grandmother was like, so she died."

-my grandmother suspected that she had lumbar disc herniation and didn't want to bother her family, so she committed suicide by drinking pesticides. After my mother said this, I learned to show weakness and ask for help.

truly trust a person is always, I am not afraid to become your trouble, I will learn to trouble you, I am willing to trouble you, because, borrow and repay, and I am sure to use the remaining decades to pay it back slowly.

on the day at the station, my mother said to me, "do you know what the saddest thing is?" It is our desire but not the ability to burden you. "

so did you know that some people are willing to be "burdened" by you, from the moment they care about you?

I don't want to pretend to be free and easy to let you go to bed early. In fact, what I have always wanted to say is, "I need you, can you not sleep for a while?"